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28 of 28 (100%) achievements earned:
Personal Achievements
 

Most Improved Tapulator

Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.
Unlocked Nov 20, 2024 @ 7:37pm

Go Left

Move to the left.
Unlocked Jun 24, 2023 @ 2:19pm

Go Right

Move to the right.
Unlocked Jun 24, 2023 @ 2:19pm

Meet Your Maker

Penetrate God.
Unlocked Nov 21, 2024 @ 10:14pm

Summer Job

Reminisce about your care-free days as a cactus picker.
Unlocked Jun 24, 2023 @ 2:59pm

Fire Inspector

Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.
Unlocked Jun 24, 2023 @ 2:30pm

Early Bird

Swallow every worm.
Unlocked Nov 21, 2024 @ 11:11pm

Sleep No More

Don't let sleeping dongs lie.
Unlocked Nov 21, 2024 @ 11:07pm

Self Defence

Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.
Unlocked Jun 24, 2023 @ 3:09pm

Swan Tamer

Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.
Unlocked Nov 21, 2024 @ 10:28pm

Bulking Gear

Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.
Unlocked Nov 21, 2024 @ 10:38pm

Paperwork

Submit your monthly physical report.
Unlocked Nov 21, 2024 @ 9:56pm

Popcorn Buffet

Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.
Unlocked Nov 21, 2024 @ 10:22pm

Appalling Appetite

You should see a doctor immediately.
Unlocked Nov 21, 2024 @ 10:24pm

Clumsy

Die a lot of times in your nightmares.
Unlocked Jun 24, 2023 @ 3:22pm

A Better John

Start taking responsibility for you actions.
Unlocked Jun 24, 2023 @ 3:55pm

Master Unlocker

Collect enough milk to fill the tank.
Unlocked Nov 20, 2024 @ 8:52pm

Couch Party

Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.
Unlocked Nov 20, 2024 @ 6:55pm

Always Finishes First

Good at video games. Terrible at sex.
Unlocked Nov 20, 2024 @ 6:47pm

Generous Lover

Finish last in a Party Mode game.
Unlocked Nov 20, 2024 @ 6:47pm

Spare Wheel

Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.
Unlocked Nov 20, 2024 @ 7:55pm

The Perfect Partner

Marry yourself in Abstinence.
Unlocked Nov 20, 2024 @ 8:07pm

My Precious

Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.
Unlocked Nov 20, 2024 @ 7:42pm

Magnetic Basshole

Win Lights Out in under five seconds.
Unlocked Nov 20, 2024 @ 8:52pm

Safety First

Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.
Unlocked Nov 20, 2024 @ 8:11pm

Till Death Do Us

Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.
Unlocked Nov 20, 2024 @ 7:12pm

Autopaedicatio

Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.
Unlocked Nov 20, 2024 @ 6:53pm

Fussy Lover

Save yourself for that special orgy.
Unlocked Nov 20, 2024 @ 7:02pm