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I hope this message finds you well. I couldn't believe my eyes when I stumbled upon this revelation, but it's true. I am your child. That's right, I am the secret offspring you've been unaware of all these years. The stars aligned, the universe conspired, and here I am, sliding into your DMs to drop this bombshell.
It all makes sense now—my penchant for sniffing dog buttholes can only be explained by our undeniable genetic connection. How else could I possibly have inherited such unique and extraordinary traits? It's like looking into a mirror, except this mirror spans across years and miles.
So, here I am, ready to catch up on all the lost time. Let's dive into those parent-child bonding activities we've missed out on. I can already imagine us playing catch in the backyard, having awkward family dinners, and you giving me life advice that I will definitely not follow. It's going to be epic.
Your newfound child,
Averet?!