As you know, I am on a mental gap year,

in Australia.

Or outback...

as they say over here.

So I thought I'd email you,

not because I miss you lot

but because this place is a million

out of ten and you'll be well jel.

Life has never been better.

It's much better than when I was going out

with Jane, who I now no longer think about.

I'm living near a town called Sydney

and working at the most mental club

in Australia called Revolutions.

I am now their premier number one DJ...

Good evening, ladies!

Going by the name of DJ Big Penis,

which everyone agrees is the perfect name.

I've made so much cashola,

which is Australian for money,

that I've bought myself a f***-off mansion

and filled it full of ♥♥♥♥♥♥.

And like Will's mum's appetite for ♥♥♥♥,

it's enormous.

Before that, I was living

with Uncle Bryan, who's my dad's cousin,

although he is tragic

and obviously not as cool as my dad.

What's that?

Anyway, it will come as no surprise to you

the number of Aussie birds I'm rooting,

which is Australian for knobbing.

They're total filth and

f*** like kangaroos,

all big teeth, bouncing and wet pouches.

I make love to them with a technique

I like to call the one-pump orgasm.

They absolutely love it.

Name an Aussie bird and I've f***ed her.

Check.

Check.

Kylie and Dannii Minogue three-way?

I'd done that ten minutes

after getting off the plane.

And mates? I've made loads of cool

new mates who come round for dinner.

But really it's all about the birds.

Aussie sheilas just can't get enough

of Jay, especially the supermodels,

who, by the way, love it up the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

I've been woken up by a blowj*b from

a different girl every single morning.

You can imagine what that's like,

waking up every morning to a blowie.

What is this I'm feeling?

They keep it so clean.

I haven't had to wash my ♥♥♥♥ in weeks.

Basically, everything's better

than when I was with Jane,

who, as I mentioned, I

no longer think about.

On the minus side,

I've had to punch out a few koala bears,

normally when they drop out of the trees

and try to fight me.

Mug! Have it!

But other than that, it's been bonza,

which is Australian for f***ing brilliant.

Come and stay any time you like.

I guarantee I'll get you sucked

drier than Simon's mum's fanny.

Say hello to those other two dozy pricks

if you see them.

Tell your bent dad he still can't bum me.

And tell your fit sister

that I'd like to...

- No, come on.

- What does it say?

"I'd like to chew on those

massive juicy burger nipples of hers",

reach my thumb round and..."